Sunday, 25 October 2009

Face lift

If you have not noticed the obvious as yet – I have changed my blog template.
Please notice.
And now is when you will be filled with immense emotion at the thought provoking and breath taking template I have chosen for this enlightening, awesome and truly ineffable blog of mine.
(applause standing ovation please)
Thank you.

If you have failed to follow the basic steps of admiration described above – try again.
If you still fail – keep trying.
If you think this template is mediocre – do not comment.
If you think this template is breath-taking – do not leave without commenting else I will track you down and hack you to death!

Frankly, I think the template is not that splendid.
It is morose and I do not like my blog to look so gloomy.
But I love the rain and hence think it is appropriate.
Also there is just too much space on the right side. I keep wondering if something is going to pop up and surprise me – so far nothing has.
You have to agree it is better than the boring black template I had previously!

I spend quite a lot of time on this last night and hence was able to sit a night-out due to the guilt-trip associated with wasting time not slogging two days before an exam. Wish me luck for my exam tomorrow!

I happened to stumble upon this picture.
It brought back a lot of exhausting emotions against babies.
For those of you, who do not know my perspective as far as little human beings are concerned, please refer to my exclusive post on ‘Babies’.

All I could think of after seeing this picture was –
Nobody wants the irritating baby.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Dumb courage

I like the idea of blogging daily.
But not everything we like is likely to work out.
From my 22 years of life I have figured out that very few things that we like actually work out.
So I do not think I can blog daily – but I will try.
I have an important exam coming up on Monday.
I have started slogging but I do not think my usual 12 hour cramming routine will help this time – it is too late already.
Wish me luck!

This post is about fear, courage and intellect.
Most people consider fear a negative emotion.
It is drilled into minds of the youth that being fearless is rewarding.
I completely disagree.

So many people take things worth wondering about very lightly. They do not spend any time pondering about things that are waiting to be pondered about.
Fear is one among them.
I fear a lot of things in life – some worth fearing and some foolish.
I do not think being fearful is cowardly.
In fact, I am of the opinion that being fearless is plain dumb.

Fear is absolutely necessary for survival.
If I were fearless, I would be jumping off cliffs into roaring seas at the slightest excuse. The result of which is very obvious – death.
Fear is a feeling of impending doom and if it were not present we would be wiped out from this planet.

According to legend, there were plenty of such fearless sects in this world many of which we have read about in books and remained in complete awe of.
One among them would be the very popular Spartans.
Spartans claim to fame was their fearless nature – for those who have never heard of the Spartans, I strongly recommend reading Greek history or maybe even watching the movie 300 starring Gerard Butler (drool!). Even though the movie is a bit overdone on the ‘fearless’ bit I think Gerard Butler is totally worth watching it for!!
I am terribly sorry; my line of thought is fleeing from fearlessness into the strong arms of the sultry Gerard Butler (sigh!)
Well, the point is that Spartans died young.
It is sad but they did.
Their courage was their curse.
They almost always died young – the one thing to blame being their almost inhuman fearlessness.
I am sure most of you think living life to the fullest means you face your fears and come to terms with it.
But there certainly should be a limit.
A completely fearless person would unfortunately be dumb.

We fear so that we can survive.
We live in a big bad world and if we did not fear, survival would be out of the question. And courage is not something that should be completely awed.
A moron would be courageous because he would not think of the repercussions of his courageous actions! A fearless person, accept it or not, when risking his life, is momentarily acting against basic animal instinct – which is to survive. And hence he can very well be branded as being momentarily insane.
Courage is wonderful to read about.
Fearlessness is definitely inspiring.
But there is one thing that fearlessness and courage requires – that is the status of ‘nothing to lose’.
Unfortunately, life is something that is at stake.
So if you think life is worth putting at stake and that life is not something that will be ‘missed’ when lost, go ahead and be fearless.

I do not think we must live in fear of everything. If that was the case we would not live at all, but certain amount of fear is necessary to save our lives.
Being smart is being fearful at the right time and of the right things. By being smart you fear what you should fear and survive.
After all life is the ultimate sacrifice.

It would be awe-inspiring to hear someone say ‘I live life in the edge today because that way I would never regret not living my life to the fullest 20 years from now.’
But the question is if you live life on the edge today and just stumble over would you not regret not having a life to live 20 years from now?

I am not a coward.
I am not dumb either.
I fear. I live.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Emotional Sex

This is one of my recent conversations with somebody worth having a conversation with. Feel free to comment on the weird nature of my conversations.

Conversationalist: Hey!
Me: (indifferent voice) Hello.
C: (ignoring my indifference) Guess what?
Me: (very indifferent) I don’t know and I don’t care.
C: (unable to ignore my indifference any longer) What happened?
Me: (making things difficult for everybody) Nothing.
C: (playing it safe) Okay.
Me: (frustrated at my inability to make things difficult) Okay? Okay? Did you just say Okay? What is okay? (My voice is turning shrilly)
C: (confused) I don’t know. What do you want?
Me: (need to make things more difficult) YOU call ME up and ask ME what I want! As if you are ready to give me anything I want. You’re so full of shit.
C: (accepting defeat) No, really. What is it that you want?
Me: (marginally satisfied) I don’t really know.
C: (trying to sound comforting) What happened?
Me: (satisfied) Nothing. I am just feeling horrible. I wish I could just cry and cry till my tears ran out.
C: (utterly confused) Why?
Me: (likes the attention) I just want to get rid of this multitude of emotions within me. I need to get rid of it all. I just want to weep my heart out.
C: (tinge of fear) Are you okay? Do you need help?
Me: (anger rising) WTF?!
C: (foot in mouth) I mean do you need my help.
Me: (satisfied) Yes and that is why I am talking to you!
C: (happy with his presence of mind) Okay. So you want to cry?
Me: (can’t make it so easy) No. You are not even listening to me.
C: (confused) Huh? I thought you told me you want to weep till your tears ran out!
Me: (improvising) Not exactly. I just need to vent my emotions. I think even laughing would help. I wish I could laugh till I grew breathless and my cheeks hurt. I wish I could laugh so hard I have tears streaming down my face.
C: (wants to kill himself) So basically you just want tears?
Me: (decides to act as if I did not hear that!) WHAT?
C: (foot in mouth) Nothing. I have the perfect solution for you!
Me: (baffled) You do?!
C: (proudly) I sure as hell do!
Me: (confused. This is new!) Did you become a genius in a minute? How can you know what I want? Even I don’t know what I want!
C: (incomprehensible tone) You need sex. Screw you!

He hung up.
It took me a minute to realise and come to terms with it.
He hung up telling me to go have sex.

I think it is a very enlightening conversation.

I deserve this – I am loving it!

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Nobody speaking Really

A lot of people all around the world are realists.
I am one among the aforementioned.
I like to believe the above statement.
But believing is not being.
So to be a realist I must ponder over it – like a realist – and that is exactly what this is.

I just watched ‘Roman holiday’ again.
I like love stories that end the way this does.
My friends think I am depressing for the very same reason. Some think I’m a sadist. I am not depressing, maybe a little sadistic but definitely not depressing.
I feel I am being a realist.

Did you know there is a word ‘Realistically’?
Somehow the word seems very weird to me.
A realist is supposed to perceive things as they are – as in, they perceive things in their real form. I was of the idea that the adverb form describing the way realists perceive things would be ‘Really’. But then when I started typing out this post and the word that got typed out by my much smarter subconscious mind was ‘Realistically’.

Now ‘Realistically’ is quite different from ‘Really’ – according to the awesome dictionary in my head which always comes up with meanings much more comprehensible (for me) than any dictionary I have referred to till date.
‘Really’ is real – the facts as it is, the true form of everything, the ultimate raw deal. There is nothing to do with the thinking brain as far as this word is concerned.
‘Realistically’ is not raw – as a matter of fact it is the exact opposite of raw. It is something that has been thought over and over about. It is like rational, logical and practical and all the horrible words people use to make people do what they do not want to do.

I do not like ‘Realistically’.
In fact, I hate ‘Realistically’.
I like ‘Really’.
What I want to be is a person who speaks ‘Really’ and not ‘Realistically’.
But nobody speaks ‘Really’.
And that makes me nobody.
But I believe speaking ‘Really’ is worth being nobody for because I would rather be a nobody who speaks ‘Really’ than a somebody who speaks ‘Realistically’.
Somebody in the above statement refers to Realists.

And hence I have come to terms with my opinion of realists.
I do not want to be one of them.
I almost hate them.
I would rather be nobody than be them.
They are just a group of pessimists with a really bad excuse.

So much for believing I was a realist about 5 minutes ago.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

Inscrutable ambiguities

There are things I can’t figure out no matter how hard I try.
These are called the inscrutable ambiguities of my life.
This post is about them.

I figured I have bored my loyal followers on the road to enlightenment enough with depressing, miserable hopeless posts. If I try a teeny-weeny little more I think I can push everyone of you to commit suicide. And then I would have no followers.
I do not want that.
So here goes.

1) In a class of about 200 students a Senior Professor of Medicine cracks a ‘joke’ which makes you want to murder him for the crime of brutally killing humour. And to your utter horror, friends who used to pass snide remarks at bad jokes a year back are roaring with laughter. And you wonder if you didn’t really get the joke. But then you realize they are just buttering up his ass royally to lick it later – leisurely. What I do not understand is do they actually think he is going to note that they didn’t laugh at his bad joke? Do they actually want the poor professor to live in the illusion that he has cracked a good joke – just to embarrass himself somewhere else in front of someone else? Do they actually think laughing at his jokes will help them pass their exams? My limited intellect fails to answer these questions. You are welcome to help me.

2) We had a beach party recently – for the graduating batch. The male gender was dressed like they were going fishing – shorts, T-shirts, flip flops and the sort. The female gender was dressed for a homecoming – dresses, make up, stilettos and the sort. So here we were, a batch of 250 students who have been seeing each other for at least 4 years now, looking like we came from two different planets. What is it about the same species of animal that make them behave so distinctly different? Is it because guys want to have a nice time without bothering about how they look while girls are too vain about how they look? Or is it because guys don’t really have to look good to impress girls while girls have to look a perfect ten for a guy to even consider her worthy of a glance? And who were we trying to impress after 4 years anyway?!

3) What is it with rock and people in the age group of 15-30? Is it some sort of a switch that goes on when you become an adolescent? Is it the lyrics? Or does just the music and living it make life easier for people who have most on their minds? Does rock really help? I never listened to rock until I was 12, until I had my first crush! I still love rock and I still have insane troubles in my life. I guess I'll move on to Enya or Yanni when I’m around 35. Most people I know have a similar story to tell. I think it is the lyrics but I need confirmation. So if you think you can tell me for sure the reason please do let me know because at least then, the day my children (God forbid I have any) start listening to rock I will know for sure they are living their colourful lives to the fullest.

4) This is the ultimate inscrutable ambiguity of all inscrutable ambiguities – why do I bother? Why do I wonder about these minute details which nobody else even notices? Why do I spend time pondering about the most insignificant of things? Is it because I am jobless? But I am not really jobless. I have lots work in pending. Is it because I don’t want to do the work I have in pending and enjoy thinking about nothing at all? I know most of you might not be able to answer this and help me out here. And hence this the most inscrutable ambiguity of them all.

That is all for now – this post was not meant to make you laugh. It was just meant to save you from the terrible throes of sorrow and suicidal thoughts. It is food for thought…or thought for food (whatever!)

It is just another cranky insane post.

Glimpse of reality

We make decisions all the time.
Some decisions change our life completely.
Some decisions don’t change anything.
Sometimes those decisions that change our lives completely couldn’t be more wrong.
Everything goes wrong thanks to one moment of stupid insanity.
Everything you stood for, everything you are, your whole world just crumbles in front of your eyes.

Some people make your life.
Some people leave memories in your life.
Some people are your life.
Sometimes your choice of people couldn’t be more incorrect.
And even though you know fully well what you are doing can hurt you in the long run, you do it anyway because at that moment nothing else really matters.
One fine day when you are alone it matters.
Life seems like it is a farce.
None of the people who mean more than your life to you will matter.

In the end it is just you.
Everyone runs away from a burning house.
You don’t have anyone – not even those who you lived for, those who were your very first priority, those who meant everything in the world to you.
You only have yourself.
And if you hate yourself you don’t even have that.

Sometimes being invisible is the only solution – disappearing from everything, leaving everyone behind and just floating away to somewhere called nowhere.

Time heals everything.
The mind is like any other part of the human body (not bone though) – it heals but with scarring. The wound is always there if you look closely, healed but not the same as before.

I have always given love no more thought than it deserves.
I have always and still think it is an illusion.
But trust… it kills.
What I don’t understand is how it is humanly possible to forgive millions of times and still continue to trust.
Does that make a person foolish?
Or does that make the person gullible?
Or does it make the person immature?
Or does it make the person a pushover?
Or does it just mean the person does not know the unwritten brutal rules of “love”?

My life is like that of any other normal girl my age.
I just tend to think a lot – even though I try so much not to.

Sometimes you make the same wrong decision so many times you just don’t realize you have another choice. That maybe you could make life better for yourself.
Sometimes you just don’t realize what is best is to be happy and not miserable.
Sometimes different people do the same horrible things to you and you start believing that maybe the fault is yours rather than that of all the different people around you.

No one is going to be there in the end.
You go alone.
If you want to sacrifice your life or go through pain for someone let it be for your parents because they are the only ones who will not let you do it even though they deserve it.

In the end it is just you.
You have to live with yourself.
Live with yourself even if you don’t like who you have become.
Live with yourself even if you don’t like what you have become.

Dedicated to that someone out there just to let you know you are not alone in this.

Monday, 5 October 2009

Yellow bulb

Imagine this.

2:30 am - All lights are out in this particular hostel room except for one frustrating flickering yellow bulb. A Surgery textbook is open and the chapter ‘Breast’ waiting anxiously to be devoured. A 22 year old female is sitting on her bed wondering what exactly she is supposed to be doing.
She does not want to read Breast because she does not really find it appealing at this very moment. According to ‘somebody’ she should be blogging because she finally might have the ability to create a masterpiece today (her breath-taking ‘blah blah’ skills seem to have finally impressed). The only setback, unfortunately, is her mind which is currently a squeaky clean slate – cleaner than any slate that has ever been called a clean slate.

I am not afraid of the dark but I get this feeling that somebody is watching me when I am alone, especially at night. It has been there since I was a little girl. In the beginning I used to be certain there was somebody watching. I have even tried catching the culprit red handed. But then, as years went by, I have decided not to care.
If nobody is watching me – Great! I knew I was paranoid anyway.
If somebody is watching me – Great! Enjoy – Whatever is your cup of tea!

The flickering yellow bulb is not frustrating me anymore.
It actually makes the room look very dramatic – like something out of a thriller movie in the 80s. I am waiting desperately for the thrill to arrive in all its splendour.
Just like in the movies when the background music stops, the shot is taken from behind the actor, you know something is about to happen, you can feel the hair rise at the back of your neck, a much awaited chill runs down your spine and you can feel the cold sweat in your palms with your fingers clasped tightly into fists. BOOM!

No chill down anyone’s spine.
No cold sweat.
No fists.

It is still just me, the chapter on Breast, the flickering yellow bulb and my squeaky clean slate for a mind.

I wish I had more time to actually enjoy the beauty of the world around me more. Most of the time I am so engrossed in the implications and repercussions of something that might not have any implications or repercussions that I fail to fathom the sheer beauty of it that may very well be staring straight at me.

Take for example this yellow bulb.
These are the thoughts that I have had about this bulb:
Why is this bulb flickering?
Is there a loose contact?
Should I try fixing it?
Should I switch it off first?
Will my hands start sweating?
Will I get electrocuted?
Should I wear rubber slippers?
What if nobody finds me after I get electrocuted?
Should I just switch it off and go to sleep?
Why is it so yellow?
Is yellow light really bad for my eyesight?

I wish I could just stare at this flickering yellow bulb and not think of anything even minutely disturbing. I wish I could just look at it and appreciate the beauty it has. The beauty I can appreciate if I put my mind at rest.
Right now I know I can at least try and succeed in putting my mind at rest and appreciating the beauty of things.
What scares me is tomorrow.
Tomorrow, being the day when I see no beauty in anything.
Tomorrow – the day when all that I can see will be disturbing facts and figures; implications and repercussions

This is the biggest flaw of a complex mind.
The wondrous wonder that God created – the human mind.
It is too complex to appreciate simple things without interference.

The yellow bulb just died.
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