Friday, 4 May 2012

Lost in Strange New World. Chapter Two: Chicago

*clears throat*
Let me begin by apologizing for disappearing – again. While some (read – one) of my loyal followers kept begging me to blog again, some critical followers (read – one) told me it is best I quit because I suck at it anyway. The loyal follower did not really count – being my sister the least she could do was encourage me in my futile attempt at wit. But then nor did the critical follower – being the most cynical self proclaimed genius, it was obviously refined jealousy at my ingenuity. The fact that nobody else cared counted though. So here I am frustrated at the lack of encouragement from you – Yeah YOU.

So I was supposed to finish this scientific paper in August … 2011, I have not yet. Though blogging makes me super guilty about that I decided it is time, because enlightenment cannot wait and the ideas were just over flowing. I am going to pick up right where I left off. After Baltimore next stop was Chicago. And Chicago in the summer is just a festival by itself. But this blog is not about how wonderful Chicago is because you can get that at any travel website and they sure do use a lot better adjectives than my mere “wonderful”.

As you might know (note: sarcasm) from one of my ancient posts I get lost at every excuse I can get to get lost. My sense of direction is way worse than a hamster running on one of those stupid wheels. If I were a hamster believe me I would get lost on one of those wheels. So here I was, absolutely alone in the big city of Chicago and I decided to walk to work every day. Now why would I do that? Because I was armed with the best weapon a person like me can have – a GPS app in my phone! ... Or so I thought.

First day: I decided to get something to eat. So armed with my new weapon I stepped out into the strange new world with a mission to accomplish. My GPS helped me find a Subway, KFC and a White Castle right at the end of my lane. Though the ‘White Castle at my doorstep scenario’ would have made life much easier for Harold and Kumar, it did not work for me – I was neither high on pot nor drunk and it was 10:00 am. I decided I needed to cook and decided to find the nearest grocery. My GPS first led me to a huge area of nothing but rubble which was supposed to be a supermarket – either the supermarket was demolished last night with no time for my GPS to update it or Superman decided to fart on it this morning. Walking to the next grocery, led by my GPS again, I found a decent place. And this made me super excited because for the first time in my life I actually found a place I needed to get to. Extremely content with myself and my weapon – I returned home, weapon in hand and mission accomplished.

First day of work: Thanks to the success story of the previous day it was only obvious why I would feel so confident on my way walking to my first day of work. I walked about 2 miles and finally reached my place of work (with a little assistance from a very helpful, good looking guy who went out of his way to find me my place inside the campus). This just could not get any better.
I walked back home. Somehow I walked 3 miles though. And I passed some Home for homeless which I was pretty sure I did not pass on my way to work. But all is well that ends well.

Second day of work: I reached much earlier than I thought I would, walking 1.5 miles. The places I passed seemed unfamiliar somehow. Three possibilities:
1) I was really not being observant any longer walking on my way to work – which was not very smart of me, and I like to believe I am … smart.
2) I was in magic land where places and streets changed everyday – which would make my life without a GPS impossible!
3) I was still managing to get lost. The sheer horror of it was unfathomable.

Third day of work: I reached late. I walked 4.5 miles and reached looking like a pig after a marathon. And I passed the FBI headquarters on my way. Now being the ex-X files-cum- Hannibal/Clarice fanatic and mischievous brat that I was, I was absolutely sure this had not happened before – I would have tried something stupid – Like telling him I was Agent Dana Scully, I just had plastic surgery which is why I don’t look like her any longer and he had to let me in; or that he looks just like Agent Fox Mulder and ask him when he was demoted into becoming a security guard; or tell him Dr Hannibal Lecter ate my face again and that is why Agent Clarice Starling keeps changing faces from that of Jodie Foster to that of Julianne Moore to now mine or maybe just make a silly face and run. But I hadn’t, and on that particular day I was too mortified at me managing to get lost and being late for work to consider being the mischievous brat I was.
My colleague understanding the pitiful and distressing situation I was in decided to help me out and dropped me back home. We reached VERY quickly. Apparently I lived no more than 0.8 miles away from work. All I had to do was walk straight on Taylor Street. Armed with this information I decided to try again.

Fourth day of work: I walked straight and reached. 0.8 miles it was – in a completely unseen route.
So on my way back from work I decided follow the same route with the help of my GPS. The fact that I had a familiar face about 30 metres behind me was somehow comforting. Everything was going perfectly well until I decided to tie my laces round a corner. The GPS instructed me to take a left – I did like a good little girl following mommy’s orders, I walked till the end of the lane and it instructed me to take a left – I did. Walking till the end of the lane, it instructed me to take a left AGAIN – and that is when it dawned on me – I was going around a block; I had two options walk back half the way around the block to where I tied my laces or follow the GPS take a left and walk to where I tied my laces. The GPS was realigning itself with every stop I made, with every time I turned a side or took a step forward at a corner. Stupid “secret weapon” did not understand that humans unlike cars can walk a step back and do not need to go around a block. I truly don’t understand how machines can ever get smarter than humans – They are so illogical. Humans are illogical only when emotions cloud minds. Machines are illogical all the time and with no good reason. Getting lost on my own was forgivable but getting lost with a GPS in hand was a new low for me that needed getting used to.
Disheartened at the total disappointment my GPS was, I followed my GPS one last time and the familiar face was ten steps ahead of me. He looked back and asked me if I was going around in circles.

Sheepishly grinning I said – “like always.”

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Strange New World. Chapter One: Baltimore

Many of you already know but for those who don’t - adventurous me has been planning a whole new adventure for the past 6 months – which has kept me busy enough to keep me from blogging, socializing and being the human that I usually am.

The adventure in question was travelling half way around the world and go all over the country for half a year in the name of education - hence get financed by my cutie-pie Dad.

I am not going into the nitty-gritty of how I planned and planned till I dropped or how everything worked out or how excited I was when things did work out – as those things are meant for educational blogs and the other usual kind of blogs explaining how to succeed in life and the sort. I am not the sort who makes life easier for people just because they are lazy – so move on to some other blog (which I am sure there are plenty of) for such details. Mine is an enlightening blog where you learn stuff you could never learn anywhere else and that is why I have 38 followers even though I have posted just 10 posts in the past one year (Love you guys!). Hence I begin from the time I took my first step on the soil of United States of America – not in the hopes of achieving the American dream someday like every other immigrant taking their first step in U.S.A, but in the hopes of making this an experience worth killing for if not worth dying for.

JFK International airport, New York - I just kept repeating in my mind “New York, New York, New York” until I could get accustomed to the fact that the 14 hour HELL of a flight did finally get me to New York. Exit Flight and I literally screamed out New York – No, not due to excitement – It was so freaking unexpectedly cold that my mind decided to speak up. Have you seen that Russell Peter video in which he talks about the guy who farts in front of every plane that lands in India? Well, let me tell you something he did not say – in U.S.A you enter a blast freezer every time you exit a flight. It was supposed to be spring for crying out loud! After the dueling port of entry interview – where they determine whether you’re a terrorist by staring deep into your eyes for 10 seconds (which I passed with flying colours even though I was itching to stick my tongue out or make funny faces during the ‘duel’) I entered New York – and it was snowing – in spring. No jacket, no gloves and no scarf – I felt like a frozen chicken carrying three heavy bags. Cab ride to Penn station and until we reached Manhattan I thought I was in depressing, disgusting Mumbai (no offence) and then it happened. Empire State building came into sight, I realized the Persian taxi driver was playing loud trance music and we passed through Times Square, Fifth Avenue and all the heavenly places I have so far seen only sitting inside a cab – thanks to the weather. Train to Baltimore - on time, eventless and blah.

Jump forward a few days –during which adequate measures were taken to keep warm. My friend and I decide to explore the neighborhood of the best hospital in the whole wide world – Johns Hopkins, baby!!! – And for all those who think it is Harvard – you’re wrong.

All those House MD episodes when I wished I could be more like him and attend Johns Hopkins too – sigh – dreams come true! Classes were so good we felt like we would be Nobel Prize laureates had we graduated from here. For the first time things that never made any sense made sense – if that makes any sense. Everywhere we went – even when we were downtown shopping for groceries we had our Johns Hopkins IDs on – that is what visiting medical students do when in Johns Hopkins! We got ourselves Johns Hopkins sweatshirts and caps and mugs and everything money could buy. We were Johns Hopkins students and full of it – even if it were only for 3 months. For those of you who don’t understand, I have two words – Sour grapes.

Two months done and there begins hot, hot summer. I was born and raised in Dubai – so I used to consider myself well acclimatized to heat. But heat in U.S.A is unbearable! It is bright, hot, sweaty, sticky and I have to walk all the time! Unbearable. And I was hoping all this time that it would just get warmer! In addition to all this torture of summer you have to deal with half naked people running around or just lazing by in the name of getting a tan – the luxuries of having fair skin. If I did that I would look like a piece of charcoal, if I don’t look it already. But there was always something to smile about – if nothing, just reminding yourself of being in Johns Hopkins.

In between trying to save money, sketchy neighborhoods, eating cheap Chinese food, dealing with a frustrating landlord, cooking Mom’s recipes and cleaning bathrooms there were fun times like taking long walks to no particular place at 8:00 pm when it is bright and sunny, taking pictures of ALL sorts of people in Fell’s point, visiting Edgar Alan Poe’s grave, subway-delicious-subway, starbucks-heavenly-starbucks, rowing classes(thanks to a friend), sushi bars, awesome crepes, free KFC (thanks to a patriotic fellow Indian in U.S.) and movie nights. Work was not too time consuming or tiring, the hours were so considerate, professors so approachable and people strangely super friendly. The first time a person said ‘Hi! How you doing?’ in the street I almost asked ‘Do I know you?’ But then I remembered Julie Delpy’s dialogue in ‘Before sunset’. And since then you don’t think twice before ‘Im great! How you doing?’ Whoever thought I of all the cynical people in the world would be amicable in a society of super-friendly strangers.

Three months flew by too quickly, and more than anything I know my company helped me have fun, with a little assistance from my considerate work hours. Somehow I just don’t expect the same out of Chapter Two - pessimistic me.

Lessons for enlightenment:
1)There can be years when there is no spring – like 2011.
2)Make sure you have good company during your first month or be extremely good at making friends fast.
3)Do not forget - Strangers are super friendly – do not be flabbergasted or rude, I almost was.
4)Try to spend money wisely – the keyword being ‘try’.
5)Take loads of photos, glad I had my friend for that!
6)If you work hard there will be time to party harder.

At the end of Chapter One: Baltimore -
An experience worth killing for if not dying for : Mission Accomplished.

Next up Chapter Two: Chicago.

P.S.: Link at the bottom for commenting – super optimistic me. Sigh.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

In rehab and deserving it

Almost feels like my first post!

It has been forever since I posted and I realized that when a friend happened to post on the “wall” of a very addictive social network, unaware that I am officially under rehab – FB rehab.

Hence this post
– very appropriate a beginning to another end, if you ask me.

So what is it about facebook anyway?
I generally do not use names but I don’t think Mr Mark Zuckerberg will be much affected by my blog – he must still be wondering why the movie on him didn’t win the Oscar.
Back to bitching about facebook - Pardon the language – the past one year has made me more frustrated at depression than my usual frustrated, depressed self.

Does my friends list represent my friends in real life –HELL NO!

Unfortunately, for one whole month I accepted friend requests from people who shared mutual friends. BIG MISTAKE –because there are people as dumb as and maybe dumber than me who add based on the same stupid criterion.
End result – a horny, non-descript, irritating pervert who has access to my photo albums and has a friends list solely comprising the female gender.

That required cleaning up – which though a tedious process, finally, was very satisfying.

And then began my one month of Applications and games on Facebook. Even though I never went around to Farming, fishing and cooking, I unfortunately did enjoy losing fake money gambling and killing people in the pretext of me being a mafia gangster.
Both of this lead to me adding to my friends list a number of jobless, juvenile, losers; very much like myself, from all over the world, with whom I have not exchanged one word of conversation. I don’t even know their names and yet, there they are on my friends list.

That required cleaning up - after my computer crashed thanks to me trying to buy a multi-million dollar hotel from the money I got from murdering a gangster high up in the hierarchy. Mafia wars cost me two weeks of time on the internet, 4000 Rupees and lots of energy.
Energy saved up for blogging, perhaps.

The friends list cleared and kept in perfect condition, one fine day I just happened to look through people I was at least acquainted with on my friends list and I just realized what a hoax the whole thing is. I just went on to count the number of people I actually talk to. Those who know me know that I don’t talk to many people. I am not a friend who keeps friends - Probably something to do with my inherent laziness.

Anyway, I realized that those who mattered are not on facebook or have deleted me as a friend because of the bitch I have been to them; because friends that matter think facebook is important enough to let others know I am not a friend anymore, but not important enough to keep in contact through.

So here I am with friends in my Facebook who I barely talk to, snooping around in pictures of people I don’t even know, learning about gossip I don’t even want to know, putting up photos after much restriction knowing fully well my family will be viewing them, adding long lost relatives - who I have no idea about - to my friends list because I am obliged to, when I realize somewhere along the way what Mr Mark Zuckerberg wanted out of Facebook (other than the money) was completely lost in my case.

Maybe it is because I am not friendly, maybe it is because I am not sociable enough to enjoy the functioning of a social network, maybe it is because I am being a hypocrite in hating hypocrites because I am as hypocritical as a hypocrite can be, maybe it is because I was bitchy enough to make my friends delete me from their friend list. But whatever it was I was addicted to Facebook and frankly I had no right to be.

Hence I am under rehab.

P.S.: Wishing you all a very belated Happy new year!

P.S.S: In case you are wondering how to comment - it is the light green bubble near the title of the post - and this is the hopeful me hoping that is the reason I have no comments yet.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Commitment coming clean

My name is Commitment.
I am here to come clean.

I don’t consider myself to be a negative word.
It is quite frustrating how I have, since forever, almost always been associated with negative actions
- Committing suicide, committing a crime, committing a mistake... But even in all this darkness I always had one beacon of hope – the role I played in a relationship.

But of late some people are taking this away from me.
I know I haven’t been the best of words.
I know I have been misused by many.
I know how I have unintentionally caused pain to many.
But I consider myself to bring forth promise into people’s lives, not terror.
I bring the promise of a new life.

I really don’t know when commitment and committing transformed to a word to be phobic about from being a word to cherish, a word to look forward to.
I was supposed to bring stability.
I was supposed to be the word of obligation, of trust, of not looking back because what I bring is only hope for the future.

Somehow something went wrong somewhere.
People all over the world are terrified of me.
They are terrified of using me in their sentences, terrified I might make an appearance in their conversations, terrified I might be their future.
What is it about me that people hate?
Is it the lack of change I bring forth in their mundane lives?
Is it the fear of looking back and missing freedom?

I have been used in so many negative aspects it is so easy for me to hate myself. But I love myself only because of how I bring people in love together forever.
And some people are out to ruin me.
These bunch of fools know they are in love but hate me because they don’t understand the happiness I can be capable of.
Here I am trying to come clean before you pin all the blame on me.

I am not responsible for pain and sorrow – you bring that upon yourself.
The lack of me in your lives will make you lonely, if not today then tomorrow.
Someday you will wish you had me earlier when you found the right person and had used me then instead of losing love because of your irrational fear of happiness.
This is me coming clean –
I am awesome only because of my role in bringing people together in happiness eternally.
The pessimists might think I am lying and that my thorns prick their balloons of artificial bliss.
The optimists look for rosy bushes all the way.
But the realists are the ones who understand me, the ones who know that without the thorns the roses are just not for real.
The realists know that I am for real – the raw deal.
I am what life is all about; I am why life is worth living; I am the hope for a tomorrow worth waking up to.

I wish somebody would stand up for who I am.
I wish somebody would tell these fools what I could bring into their lives.

I wish somebody would help stop this terror so that I might not be driven to ‘committing’ suicide.

This is me, Commitment, coming clean.
Now you know my side of the story.
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