Thursday, 15 January 2009

Now who is laughing?!

It is me!
This post is to let all my dedicated followers and comrades on the path to enlightenment know that I have had the last laugh.
I – referring to me – the Enlightened one.

I have received my next award!!
(Everyone is requested to applaud at this point. You also have permission to give me a standing ovation. It would be even better if you would get up on your chair and affirm with utmost sincerity my sheer awesomeness.)

Thank you. Thank you.

Now for my acceptance speech:
*drum roll*
This award is dedicated to the fool who stopped following my blog. You are lucky I don’t remember who you are. I sincerely hope you are enjoying rotting in hell. And if you have not noticed, I have 13 followers - again! So no one really misses you.
Thank you once again, I couldn’t have done it without you!

It is called the ‘Brilliante Weblog Premio Awards 2008’ – pretty brilliant name.
And for those of you who can’t wait to get a look at it:

Now I have to nominate seven people who are worthy of this splendid award.

1) Arjun: I don’t know if you have received this award already because I am sure you win quite a few. This is my gift to you.

2) Tys on ice: For making complex issues seem simple at hard times, you deserve way better than this.

3) Sandeep Balan: Again – In the hope of him finishing his ‘Blonde’ story.

4) Keyzer Soze: Again – In the hope he will keep posting and not give up on the blogosphere.

5) Genesis of Oblivion: Again – In the hope of him accepting my first award!

6) Kapila: As an aid for her to believe in herself and realize she is truly brilliant.

7) Another blogger: She is awesome - Can I award myself again?

Well with that we come to the end of yet another truly enlightening, marvelous post by yours truly…

P.S.: For the visually impaired blog readers – there is a poll being conducted in this blog. You are requested to kindly vote so that your voting rights are not withdrawn.
The last I checked there was just ONE vote – very disappointing.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

My name is Buffoon

As I have already mentioned in my post ‘Username’ my name is pretty unique (strange, weird, funny).
I do not complain.

For the fools out there, no my name is not Buffoon.
For the Buffoons out there, no you do not share your name with me.

I recently stumbled upon this site dedicated to the science of Numerology.
The site not only defined you based on a number derived from weird mathematical functions applied to the alphabets in your name and your date of birth but also gave a list of lucky numbers for the day.
I wonder what I am supposed to do with my set of lucky numbers:
- write so many posts?
- cut off my toes/ grow more to match my lucky number?
- repeat it continuously like a chant?
- wear the same number of garments?
- get the same number of piercings?
- get married to a person chanting the same number?
- get married as many times as my lucky number?
- get the combo meal from McDonalds with the same number to avoid indigestion?

An additional feature also compared my Numerology results to those of celebrities.
Is that not wonderful?
And I cannot begin to explain how special I feel to be just like Sir Elton John.
I wonder if they took into account his ‘Sir’ for the Numerology.
I wonder if my celebrity will change if I add my ‘Dr.’ prefix which will soon be attained.
I don’t want to try – Elton John is so much more comforting than the many beasts out there in the celebrity world.
So what if he is gay, he is talented and knighted!

And then I began to wonder what if they had Bollywood celebrities on the site.
But then since almost all of them ‘change’ their names to unpronounceable jumble of letters which bear a slight resemblance to their original names, thanks to numerology, I guess all of them have the same set of lucky numbers.
The lucky numbers won’t be of much help then, would it?
The luck is supposed to help with competition, but if all the competitors have the same numerological character and lucky numbers they would not be so lucky after all.

And then my wild imagination came alive – very fatal.
It made me wonder what my numerological character would be if my name was Buffoon born on the 29th of February 2009 (for those of you who have a negative I.Q. I would like to remind you that 2009 is not a leap year and hence will not have a 29th of February)
And my Name number (which is supposed to relate to how I express myself in the many experiences of my life) and my Personality number (which is supposed to relate to my outlook on personal relationships, career opportunities etc) is 1 – meaning I am a born leader.
I might be a little weird – but I think this is pretty lame.
Buffoon – the born leader.
Tell you what, why don’t you name your child Buffoon and we shall see if this actually works out.
Do we have a deal?

Free! Free! Free!

Nothing comes for free in this world.
You think not?
Well, think again – if you have trouble thinking, I shall help!

Humans are selfish creatures – I hope all of you know that by now.
Even when a person is performing a ‘selfless’ act he is almost always thinking about the recognition, gratitude and mostly the peace of mind he will receive from doing the ‘selfless’ act – courtesy Joey (F.R.I.E.N.D.S)
Now if you think Joey is not the ‘smartest’ person around to quote in this regard – we need to meet in person and you better come ready to be shot by a bazooka!!! (Oh! I love it).
Hence there is no selfless act.
Humans are selfish.
There is nothing free in this world because no one wants to give you anything without a little bit of something for himself.

Let us go through the ages chronologically and the various ‘free’ things we receive:

Birth: We are born into this horrible world at the price of dealing with terribly cold temperature of 25oC as opposed to the nice warm 37oC of the womb to satisfy the wants of two strangers who want a little stupid toy to play with – since they are sick of playing with each other.

0-5years: The so called selfless love of parents comes with the humongous responsibility of making them happy. The horrible guilt of depressing them if we do not live up to their expectations because they love us so much!
School is even worse – not only do we have to pay fees but also pretend to listen and understand what they try so hard to teach us.

5-10years: School is horrible as usual. It is definitely not free. Friendships take more from you than give, in terms of ‘sharing’ toys and other gizmos which you could have all for yourself if not for the so called friends.

10-15years: As far as boyfriends/girlfriends are concerned we all know they are all but free! Dating bills, gifts, rising phone bills plus heartache, headache and ear ache.
Friends become more synonymous to back stabbers. And the few good friends that few ‘lucky’ ones seem to have drink off your wallet – always.

15-20years: Nothing much changes from high school days except for the ‘friends circle’ increasing in size in proportion to the size of your wallet. And the heartaches keep getting worse if you have not learnt your lesson and stayed off relationships.

20-25years: Try and find a job to earn money to live in this ‘nothing is for free’ world.

25-30years: The ultimate sacrifice: Marriage. No comments as to how free that is.

30-Death: Life gets worse from bad until it finally ends. Thank God for that.

Lessons to be learnt:
1) If anybody offers anything for free – they are lying; these people must be interrogated and made prime suspects in every case of homicide in the world.
2) Free does not exist.
3) If a person asks for something for ‘free’ it is safe to regard him/her as being foolish.
4) The stuff you get free when you buy something is almost always crap!
5) If it is not crap then it is something that is very, very addictive.
6) Don’t bother trying to be selfless – it is a lost cause.

Monday, 5 January 2009

Laugh else I will shoot you

What is happening to the world?!
That is a rhetorical question – please do not attempt to answer it.

The economic crisis does not concern me – yet.
So I am not interested in talking about salaries and expenditure.
To hell with how much money you make – it sure is not satisfying you, and my bet is it is a matter of utter dissatisfaction for me too!

Here I am, depressed as hell.
Look at my posts!
Two posts on negative emotions – this is really bad.
And the fact that none of you, I repeat, NONE OF YOU faithful ‘followers’ pointed it out makes me wonder what sort of depressed, lonely, frustrated buffoons I have for followers.

I also noted today that the number of followers I have just went down by one.
Whoever this person might be is definitely lucky because I can’t seem to remember who it is.
Now, I am pretty sure the ‘ex-follower’ is under the false impression that he is more enlightened than me and does not need to follow my posts anymore to attain enlightenment – well you, Mr Negative I.Q., are a fool - that is enlightenment, for you!!
My blog and I are much better without you following!
And you shall rot in hell for ‘de-following’ my blog – unless, of course, you decide to follow my blog again.

Now I know what the rest of you are thinking.
“This lady has gone bonkers. She is totally out of her mind. She is so desperate for followers. Maybe I should not follow her.”
Well, you know what – go ahead.
You will rot in hell too!

Sometimes I think I must become a clown – I definitely look like one.
My nose has the same bulbous end and if I have a cold it turns red too - but it gets leaky, I wonder if clowns have leaky noses.
My depression seems to be depressing my parents.
Hence I am no longer depressed now.
And nor am I going to post depressing posts.
I am going to try and crack you up – so you better laugh!

I was wondering what would really make me laugh.
And all I could think of was making someone slip on a banana peel.
I know it is pretty sadistic – but that would definitely make me laugh.
I wonder if that is okay for a doctor.
I wonder if a badly injured patient would make me laugh – that would be really disturbing – for the patient, of course.

So what makes you laugh?
If I were in front of you right now with a bazooka (I love the sound of that - bazzoookaahh) threatening you to laugh at my posts, would you?

I have always wanted to say ‘Hasta la vista, baby’.
I hate the ‘baby’ bit though.
Maybe I will modify it to ‘Hasta la vista, moron’.
I never liked Arnold though – I think he did the world a favour by quitting movies and joining politics.
Maybe that is why people keep voting for him – because they are so grateful they don’t have to watch him ‘trying’ to act anymore!

Well, whatever it may be, the point is simple:
You’d better laugh at my posts!!

Self worth

There are certain moments in life which make you wonder about yourself.

Every three years I get reminded of how worthless I am.
It first happened when I was fourteen.
I had won a national award and was very content with myself.
At least until my academic performance went below what I considered to be my standards. But then I managed to pick myself up and fared well until I passed out of school. I fell sick and I fared badly in my exams for entering into medical schools in the country. I managed to get through one but not my dream college.
This was by far the worst let down in my life – until a few days back.

I love what I learn.
Even though I bicker at the amount I have to study, I really enjoy learning what I have to learn. I have always been an honours student in medicine.
And even though this year was filled with too many extra curricular activities, I was pretty sure I could do a good job.
But I did not.

I have passed into final year.
I have not failed in any subject.
But my marks have made me question whether I am of any good at anything at all.

Now I know this is pretty stupid.
I hate people who bicker about their marks.
But this is not about the marks; this is about me being good at what I have chosen as my profession.
I used to think this was my forte. No matter what, I could do well in this.
But apparently that is not the case.

I question my self worth – for those who have not figured it out already, I am undergoing the symptoms of moderate to severe depression.
I have tried out all possible ways to get out of it.
Chocolates, shopping, hugs, tears, food – even exercise, apparently exercise releases serotonin which curbs depression.
And I do want to get out of this state.
More than anything I want to get back to college and start working hard to prove to myself more than anybody else that I am good at this.

But the human mind, I tell you, it enjoys the feeling of helplessness.
It enjoys feeling weak and depressed. It requires courage to stand up and move on.
It is easy to preach, easier to use big words and philosophy.
But when you are the one in the dumps you jus keep falling over and over again.

It is like this little rat gnawing at the back of my head.
A voice calling out and reminding me, every single time I start to forget, that I am not supposed to be happy – that I am a good for nothing.

I hate this state I am in.
I know there are many of you out there in the same state I am talking about.

This post is just to let you know, you are not alone.

I will get through this.
No matter how many times I have to pick myself up, nobody is going to tell me I am a loser.

Friday, 2 January 2009


Frustration – the state of being frustrated.
I always liked the word ‘frustrated’.
There are some words in the English language which can convey its meaning without the help of a dictionary. I think there is a tad bit of frustration in the very mouthing of the word ‘frustrated’ – I think the R’s take the credit for this.

This state of being frustrated, I think, is one which can very well be fodder for thought.

Frustration arises simply from a circumstance when one is reminded of his helplessness. The more helpless you feel, the more you want to vent the emotional build up due to your helplessness – some turn it into depression while others into anger.
The depression is usually associated with long standing helplessness whereas the anger is, as is usually associated with anger, one which arises without thought.
The only difference in anger which arises from helplessness is that it is directed at not one person in particular. It is directed at lots of people, circumstances, choices, sometimes oneself – it is directed at everything that can be blamed.
And slowly this anger is directed at not only those who might have been responsible for the state of helplessness but at everyone.

Frustration is frustrating for everyone.
Not only does the person hate being the way he is – helpless and thwarted, but also everyone who comes across a frustrated person seem to catch the ‘disease’.
This disease spreads unless you have in you immunity against it.
This immunity which helps protects you from acquiring the disease called ‘frustration’ can be of two types:

1) Accepting your current state of helplessness as a part of what one often refers to as ‘fate’ and letting it be. This can often lead to depression – the long standing effect of helplessness. These people accept defeat too quickly. They do not believe their beliefs are worth believing in.

2) Fighting your helplessness and not accepting defeat. Only a person who accepts being thwarted can be thwarted. It all lies in the mind. There are two ways of fighting your helplessness:

- You deny it. You do not give up and keep banging your head against the closed door which was once an opportunity. This is called being in a state called ‘denial’. I feel sorry for these people.

- You accept the fact that the opportunity is lost and form a Plan B. A plan that can very much lead you to the very same goal. And there is always a Plan B waiting to be constructed.

I am not entirely sure if there are more ways to immunise yourself against frustration. I have not given it much thought.
I decided to post on frustration because of three reasons:

- I was frustrated because my father wanted to watch the news. The other TV is no longer working and my mother did not want me to go back to bed (all I have been doing is eating and sleeping). I really do not understand the obsession fathers have with the news channel!
My Plan B worked though – the details of Plan B are however beyond the scope of this blog because of its sheer ingenuity.

- I was frustrated because I have been experiencing a little difficulty in communicating with a couple of my friends (The reason being already mentioned in my previous post – New Year resolutions!)
In this case I am sure time will work its wonders and I just have to wait.

- I watched a movie about a boy becoming a man of religion not out of his own accord, only because of what is supposedly read in his horoscope. The boy was clearly frustrated. I felt sorry for him.
His Plan B was not very creative and hence was not successful.

I love blogging – gets rid of frustration!

First post of 2009

The New Year has been unexpectedly good to me - so far.

On New Year’s Eve my brother in law asked if I wanted to host a show on TV.
I am not too proud of my conversing skills in my mother tongue.
Now I am basically a very proud-of-myself type of a person.
But this is something I know I suck at.

According to most of my friends my Malayalam makes me sound like a fisherwoman.
I have not been able to comprehend what it is that makes me sound like a fisherwoman. I remember asking one of my friends once what a fisherwoman actually sounds like (for insight) and she told me told me to listen to myself because nobody could do it better – this was most certainly not comforting.

Not that I have anything against fisherwomen.
I think they are awesome people who work very hard for their living.
It just disturbs me when my imagination runs wild and I picture myself in a fishing boat with a stethoscope around my neck.

So when my brother in law asked if I wanted to host a program for a Malayalam channel, I did what every female with a little remaining self respect would do – I refused.
Next thing I know I am explaining to my sister why exactly I do not want people all over the world discussing about my fisherwoman Malayalam accent.
She is pretty manipulative – she is my sister, after all.
Three hours later I find myself agreeing to host the program in English – the power of manipulation.

So I woke up at 8:30 am on January 1st – this is nothing short of miraculous considering the state I was in when I passed out at around three (I think). I spend five hours at a studio doing what they told me to do. It was not so bad actually; they thought I was a natural! Misconceptions – I tell you.

So after finishing off in five hours what they expected would take double the time, I walk out with money I had absolutely no scheme of earning.

And oh I almost forgot, ever since December 31st all I have been eating is KFC – I think it has something to do with me eating KFC when the clock struck midnight.

So the New Year has brought me:
1) Unexpected unbelievable amount of money,
2) Two hours of time on television – maybe more,
3) A secondary career option on screen if I ever succeed in validating my primary career option of becoming a doctor,
4) KFC for every meal,
5) Early rising tendencies.

I think that is not bad for a beginning. And if there is anything to what they say about the whole year simulating the 1st of January – I am going to be so glad.

But I still hate my friends for making resolutions about not spending too much time on the Internet – I can’t wait for them to break free of the shackles of New Year resolutions!!!
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