My Ally Mc Beal moments

Those of you who have watched ‘Ally McBeal’ would know what I am referring to as one of her ‘moments’. If you have not – you should!

If you have no idea as to what or who Ally Mc Beal is:
1) It was a series which I watched on Star World about five years back.
2) It is about this weird, extremely single and desperate lawyer – Ally, and her weird friends (I love John, I hate Billy, I love Richard).
3) It was funny – in the weird sort of way.

Now, Ally used to have these moments of extreme weirdness when she hallucinates stuff – mainly visual but also auditory.
Even John used to have many of them.
Here are a few incidents when these have come to play in my life – and I am not making this up!
Do comment if you have had any such incident – I will not be judgemental.


1) The Song.
This is basically John’s hallucination – Ally borrows it.

I had a debate recently.
I have posted the gist of it – ‘Thought for food’
The finals dawned upon us without much warning.
It was seriously an unwelcome surprise.
I do not usually get nervous at public speaking events – I usually have complete confidence in my ‘bullshitting’ skills.
But that day it was different.
I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do – parliamentary crap.
Just before the event began I ran out of the auditorium.
My debate partner must have thought I lost it – but then she already knows I am weird and she is on the weirder side of life herself.
I ran to the ladies room and just stood there in front of the mirror.

And then it began – the Ally McBeal moment.
The music began –
“tuntun tun tuntun, tuntuntun tuntun, tuntun tun tuntun, tuntuntun tuntun”
And then it grew louder.
And I knew I had to start dancing.
I began doing those wonderful moves John does best.
Two minutes of grooving ‘John style’ and I know I am ready.

I walk back.
My partner is not there.
She comes in after a while.
We begin.
We win.


2) The Resonating Bell.
This is John’s hallucination – Richard tries borrowing it.

It was a normal day in class quite a few years back.
We, the back benchers, were not listening – as usual.
It was one of those ‘cricket years’ when we girls were perfecting our unskilled cricket skills. We used to play cricket every recess – using an aluminium foil ball and one of our thickest textbooks as a bat.
I was not bad at it.

During class, one of my friends throws an eraser at me.
Being as ‘into cricket’ as I was, I lift up my text book and *smack*
The eraser goes flyin.
The eraser hits the ceiling fan.
The eraser changes direction.
*smack*
The eraser hits the teacher right on her face.
Two words come out of my mouth unintentionally - “holy shit”.

At first the teacher is confused.
She has no idea what hit her or where it came from.
Being as stupid as she was, I hoped she would think the eraser dropped down from the heavens. Apparently, she was not that stupid.
She asked who did it.

Enter Ally McBeal moment.
In the beginning it was one of those small clanks Richard’s hallucinatory bell made.
“clink clink, clink clink”
And then it struck.
The resonating bell sounded magnificent.
“Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong…”
I knew I had to do it.

I stood up.
I told the teacher my friend was trying to pass me the eraser and it ‘accidentally’ struck my textbook which I was trying to pass to the girl seated behind me. And then it hit the fan which was responsible for the eraser hitting her smack across the face.
She was confused.
I swear, for a second she actually looked at the fan.
She told me to sit down and not to pass my textbook around.
Well, she was stupid.


3) Shrink me.
This incident occurred about two years ago when I was ‘going strong’ with my ex-boyfriend- let us call him X.
This is entirely an Ally hallucination.

As couples usually do, I had a tiff with X – basically because I needed somebody to push around.
I come back to my room and my roommate who is two years senior to me seems very eager to talk to me.
(She is no longer my roommate. She finished her MBBS a year ago.)
I decide to listen – big mistake.

Roommate: I saw X near the library today.
Me: So? (Thinking: what is he doing near the library)
Roommate: He came up and talked to me.
Me: Hmm… (Thinking: You have got to do better than this to make me jealous, bastard)
Roommate: He told me he has never seen me without glasses and the lenses make such a big difference on my face. He told me I have beautiful eyes.
Me: Yeah. You actually do have beautiful eyes. (Thinking: Whatever!)

I decide to irritate him further with this wonderful piece of news.
Another reason to push him around – wonderful!
I type out an SMS:
“Hey so now you are hitting on my roommate. Pretty eyes right?! Get someone your own age!”
And I send it.
But one small mistake – I send it to my roommate instead of X.
I get the delivery report.
I hear the message tone on her mobile.

Enter Ally hallucination.
I want to shrink into the size of an ant and run away as fast as I can.
I bury my face in my pillow and hope I die.

Roommate: You send me the message…
Me: I know.
Roommate: You don’t need to be mad at him because of me.
Me: I was just pulling his leg. It is no big deal. I do this all the time.
(Thinking: Oh lord! Please kill me!)

I call up X to tell him what just happened.
X: Serves you right for trying so hard to fight with me.
Me: Is this what they call karma?

Apparently this is what they call “Instant karma”
I hate it.


4) Fist in mouth.
This happened yesterday.
As far as I know I have not seen this hallucination in Ally McBeal.
It is mine.

One of my unit-mates is from Mauritius.
He has one of those funny French accents – where they say “ave” instead of “have”.
He has a bald head too.
I make fun of people who are normal.
So it is pretty obvious I make fun of him a lot.
He makes fun of me at times.

Yesterday we were supposed to spend an hour in the Community Medicine museum. We were supposed to look at the models and the charts and think of ways to re-decorate the place – I thought we were doing MBBS but apparently we are doing an interior decoration course.

There was this particular model which caught my attention.
It was about family planning.
The students actually made a penis out of polystyrene and got a condom on it – it was brilliant even though the penis was way too long in proportion to the torso and too narrow to be real – the condom had space to fit in a finger along with the polystyrene penis.

I was discussing the proportion with my unit-mates when Mr. Mauritius tells me I am twisted!
Can you believe it? Me – twisted!
I am the most not twisted person I have ever known.
I literally scream at him –
“You think every damn professor is hitting on me! You are the twisted one around here!”
I turn around and come face to face with the professor.
He did not seem pleased with what I said.

Hallucination begins.
I imagine myself hammering my blown up fist down my mouth.
I keep shut for most of the next half hour.
I had caused enough damage.

So, do you have any such moments?
I have many more – this post is too long already.