In rehab and deserving it

Wow!
Almost feels like my first post!

It has been forever since I posted and I realized that when a friend happened to post on the “wall” of a very addictive social network, unaware that I am officially under rehab – FB rehab.

Hence this post
– very appropriate a beginning to another end, if you ask me.

So what is it about facebook anyway?
I generally do not use names but I don’t think Mr Mark Zuckerberg will be much affected by my blog – he must still be wondering why the movie on him didn’t win the Oscar.
Back to bitching about facebook - Pardon the language – the past one year has made me more frustrated at depression than my usual frustrated, depressed self.

Does my friends list represent my friends in real life –HELL NO!

Unfortunately, for one whole month I accepted friend requests from people who shared mutual friends. BIG MISTAKE –because there are people as dumb as and maybe dumber than me who add based on the same stupid criterion.
End result – a horny, non-descript, irritating pervert who has access to my photo albums and has a friends list solely comprising the female gender.

That required cleaning up – which though a tedious process, finally, was very satisfying.

And then began my one month of Applications and games on Facebook. Even though I never went around to Farming, fishing and cooking, I unfortunately did enjoy losing fake money gambling and killing people in the pretext of me being a mafia gangster.
Both of this lead to me adding to my friends list a number of jobless, juvenile, losers; very much like myself, from all over the world, with whom I have not exchanged one word of conversation. I don’t even know their names and yet, there they are on my friends list.

That required cleaning up - after my computer crashed thanks to me trying to buy a multi-million dollar hotel from the money I got from murdering a gangster high up in the hierarchy. Mafia wars cost me two weeks of time on the internet, 4000 Rupees and lots of energy.
Energy saved up for blogging, perhaps.

The friends list cleared and kept in perfect condition, one fine day I just happened to look through people I was at least acquainted with on my friends list and I just realized what a hoax the whole thing is. I just went on to count the number of people I actually talk to. Those who know me know that I don’t talk to many people. I am not a friend who keeps friends - Probably something to do with my inherent laziness.

Anyway, I realized that those who mattered are not on facebook or have deleted me as a friend because of the bitch I have been to them; because friends that matter think facebook is important enough to let others know I am not a friend anymore, but not important enough to keep in contact through.

So here I am with friends in my Facebook who I barely talk to, snooping around in pictures of people I don’t even know, learning about gossip I don’t even want to know, putting up photos after much restriction knowing fully well my family will be viewing them, adding long lost relatives - who I have no idea about - to my friends list because I am obliged to, when I realize somewhere along the way what Mr Mark Zuckerberg wanted out of Facebook (other than the money) was completely lost in my case.

Maybe it is because I am not friendly, maybe it is because I am not sociable enough to enjoy the functioning of a social network, maybe it is because I am being a hypocrite in hating hypocrites because I am as hypocritical as a hypocrite can be, maybe it is because I was bitchy enough to make my friends delete me from their friend list. But whatever it was I was addicted to Facebook and frankly I had no right to be.

Hence I am under rehab.

P.S.: Wishing you all a very belated Happy new year!

P.S.S: In case you are wondering how to comment - it is the light green bubble near the title of the post - and this is the hopeful me hoping that is the reason I have no comments yet.

Nothing short of brilliant

I stumbled across this about a year back. Somehow it slipped my mind then. I came across it again today and I decided to share it. I think it is plain brilliant.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that
someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor,
so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different
from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and
then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the
darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends'
turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts.
Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.
It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love."

- Neil Geiman

Happily sad

I just figured out what is wrong with the world!

Well, there are quite a few things wrong with the world, like females being females and incapable of reproducing without the help of males who are shamefully categorised into the same species as us but… – I sincerely apologize for that burst of emotion. I do not know where that came from. As far as I know myself, I am not a feminist; I hate all sexes alike (for those wondering: male, female and the in-betweens).
I guess today is just one of those ‘anti-men’ day.
Getting back to the point of the post and putting an end to my pointless banter – I figured out what is wrong with the world.

What is wonderful about me figuring out what is wrong with the world is that I also know how to solve the problem! I know you know I am a genius but this time I have really outdone myself. In case you have not figured it out already the root cause of all the problems in the world is in one way or another related to depression. When a person is depressed he not only harms himself, he decreases his productivity and more often than not harms others as well – maybe unintentionally, maybe not.
So this, in short, is what is wrong with the world.
Everybody knows what it is like to be depressed and everybody in their own selfish little way have caused harm to the world thanks to their depression. Figuring out this problem, however, does not need a genius to rack his brains. The real problem lies in solving the problem and not discovering its existence.

Being a doctor (Wow… I love saying that) you would expect me to prescribe a solution as simple as anti depressants to every human in the world. But anti depressants are a sham – they just make the brain squeeze out happy juices so that we tend to mask our depression. But masking depression leads to being depressed about being depressed, hence forming a vicious cycle.
The real solution, however, lies in being happy about being depressed!

I know it may sound weird but put those narrow minds at rest and broaden the horizons of your thoughts. Last night I was talking to a friend and I realized I have been in and out of depression for so long I am no longer depressed about being depressed. And that is when I decided from now on I am going to be happy about being depressed. The power of the mind is so often underestimated. For a determined person, set to solve the most disturbing problem in the world anything is possible.

Hence, at this very moment, I proudly proclaim that I am, indeed, happily depressed.

Being depressed is nothing to be depressed about. It is a part of life – one that makes the world stink. Try and enjoy it because when you do it disappears. So I hereby free you from all those depressing thoughts about depression. Live it, savour it, treat it with the same amount of fervour as you would treat passion and you will learn depression is just a way of life. It has been perceived in the wrong manner for so long that nobody now knows how to deal with it anymore.

So you enlightened few needn’t ever be depressed about being depressed. Go on and be happily sad because there isn’t any better feeling in the world than kicking depression’s ass!

P.S.: My ‘happily sad’ state has moved onto euphoria. Please forgive the nonsense.

Glimpse of reality

We make decisions all the time.
Some decisions change our life completely.
Some decisions don’t change anything.
Sometimes those decisions that change our lives completely couldn’t be more wrong.
Everything goes wrong thanks to one moment of stupid insanity.
Everything you stood for, everything you are, your whole world just crumbles in front of your eyes.

Some people make your life.
Some people leave memories in your life.
Some people are your life.
Sometimes your choice of people couldn’t be more incorrect.
And even though you know fully well what you are doing can hurt you in the long run, you do it anyway because at that moment nothing else really matters.
One fine day when you are alone it matters.
Life seems like it is a farce.
None of the people who mean more than your life to you will matter.

In the end it is just you.
Everyone runs away from a burning house.
You don’t have anyone – not even those who you lived for, those who were your very first priority, those who meant everything in the world to you.
You only have yourself.
And if you hate yourself you don’t even have that.

Sometimes being invisible is the only solution – disappearing from everything, leaving everyone behind and just floating away to somewhere called nowhere.

Time heals everything.
The mind is like any other part of the human body (not bone though) – it heals but with scarring. The wound is always there if you look closely, healed but not the same as before.

I have always given love no more thought than it deserves.
I have always and still think it is an illusion.
But trust… it kills.
What I don’t understand is how it is humanly possible to forgive millions of times and still continue to trust.
Does that make a person foolish?
Or does that make the person gullible?
Or does it make the person immature?
Or does it make the person a pushover?
Or does it just mean the person does not know the unwritten brutal rules of “love”?

My life is like that of any other normal girl my age.
I just tend to think a lot – even though I try so much not to.

Sometimes you make the same wrong decision so many times you just don’t realize you have another choice. That maybe you could make life better for yourself.
Sometimes you just don’t realize what is best is to be happy and not miserable.
Sometimes different people do the same horrible things to you and you start believing that maybe the fault is yours rather than that of all the different people around you.

No one is going to be there in the end.
You go alone.
If you want to sacrifice your life or go through pain for someone let it be for your parents because they are the only ones who will not let you do it even though they deserve it.

In the end it is just you.
You have to live with yourself.
Live with yourself even if you don’t like who you have become.
Live with yourself even if you don’t like what you have become.

Dedicated to that someone out there just to let you know you are not alone in this.

The day the dam broke

I hate final year.
I knew I would not like it.
I knew I might hate it.
But now – it is different.
I know I hate final year.

It has been about ten days since final year has begun – feels like forever though. Final year has provided the following to me in ten days:
1) Free electroconvulsive therapy for my hair to make sure it permanently stays at a strict perpendicular angle to my scalp.
2) Dark circle enhancer to make sure my eyes look like they are disappearing into monstrous black holes.
3) A hunch (thanks to my college bag which contains the ‘essentials of Clinical Medicine’) that would have made Quasimodo look like Prince Charming next to me.
4) A mask like face that would put any patient suffering from Parkinsonism to shame.
5) A mind that is so disoriented that I take more than 30 seconds to respond to a question asking me my name (because I am too busy trying to figure out the ‘medical significance’)
6) All this in addition to the 7:30 am to 8:30 pm schedule after which we are supposed to read every possible book of Medicine and become enlightened overnight.

The day I landed here I was welcomed with the marvellous news of my being posted in Medicine under a Professor who is pretty famous for his ways.
I did not think much of it at the time.

For a person with an imagination as wild as mine I express very little in public. I have always kept my emotions in check – maybe that energy is what is transformed in the form of my wild imaginative skills. As of now, my imagination is on vacation.

Each unit have six people posted. Three out of six have already broken their dams – me being one among them. I hate admitting that I shed tears because I know for a fact that this will only result in satisfaction, if not sheer delight, from the people I am posted under. I do not understand if it is their sadistic nature, frustrated lives or blown up egos that infuriates me the most – all I know, as of now, is that rage is very closely associated with the colour red. Red is the only colour I see when I look at their faces.

It might do me good down the lane. The torture might result in me trying harder – but there is only so much a human can tolerate. I am fast approaching the limit. One of my unit mates has already gone into severe depression and almost had a breakdown a few days back. I wonder when my turn will arrive.

But one thing is for sure – I sure as hell will not let it show to them. I will not knowingly satisfy their sadistic whims. It is going to take them more effort to make my dam break again.

I miss blogging.

If anyone out there had a doubt if I were crazy, I assure them – I definitely am crazy now.

Self worth

There are certain moments in life which make you wonder about yourself.

Every three years I get reminded of how worthless I am.
It first happened when I was fourteen.
I had won a national award and was very content with myself.
At least until my academic performance went below what I considered to be my standards. But then I managed to pick myself up and fared well until I passed out of school. I fell sick and I fared badly in my exams for entering into medical schools in the country. I managed to get through one but not my dream college.
This was by far the worst let down in my life – until a few days back.

I love what I learn.
Even though I bicker at the amount I have to study, I really enjoy learning what I have to learn. I have always been an honours student in medicine.
And even though this year was filled with too many extra curricular activities, I was pretty sure I could do a good job.
But I did not.

I have passed into final year.
I have not failed in any subject.
But my marks have made me question whether I am of any good at anything at all.

Now I know this is pretty stupid.
I hate people who bicker about their marks.
But this is not about the marks; this is about me being good at what I have chosen as my profession.
I used to think this was my forte. No matter what, I could do well in this.
But apparently that is not the case.

I question my self worth – for those who have not figured it out already, I am undergoing the symptoms of moderate to severe depression.
I have tried out all possible ways to get out of it.
Chocolates, shopping, hugs, tears, food – even exercise, apparently exercise releases serotonin which curbs depression.
And I do want to get out of this state.
More than anything I want to get back to college and start working hard to prove to myself more than anybody else that I am good at this.

But the human mind, I tell you, it enjoys the feeling of helplessness.
It enjoys feeling weak and depressed. It requires courage to stand up and move on.
It is easy to preach, easier to use big words and philosophy.
But when you are the one in the dumps you jus keep falling over and over again.

It is like this little rat gnawing at the back of my head.
A voice calling out and reminding me, every single time I start to forget, that I am not supposed to be happy – that I am a good for nothing.

I hate this state I am in.
I know there are many of you out there in the same state I am talking about.

This post is just to let you know, you are not alone.

I will get through this.
No matter how many times I have to pick myself up, nobody is going to tell me I am a loser.

Frustration

Frustration – the state of being frustrated.
I always liked the word ‘frustrated’.
There are some words in the English language which can convey its meaning without the help of a dictionary. I think there is a tad bit of frustration in the very mouthing of the word ‘frustrated’ – I think the R’s take the credit for this.

This state of being frustrated, I think, is one which can very well be fodder for thought.

Frustration arises simply from a circumstance when one is reminded of his helplessness. The more helpless you feel, the more you want to vent the emotional build up due to your helplessness – some turn it into depression while others into anger.
The depression is usually associated with long standing helplessness whereas the anger is, as is usually associated with anger, one which arises without thought.
The only difference in anger which arises from helplessness is that it is directed at not one person in particular. It is directed at lots of people, circumstances, choices, sometimes oneself – it is directed at everything that can be blamed.
And slowly this anger is directed at not only those who might have been responsible for the state of helplessness but at everyone.

Frustration is frustrating for everyone.
Not only does the person hate being the way he is – helpless and thwarted, but also everyone who comes across a frustrated person seem to catch the ‘disease’.
This disease spreads unless you have in you immunity against it.
This immunity which helps protects you from acquiring the disease called ‘frustration’ can be of two types:

1) Accepting your current state of helplessness as a part of what one often refers to as ‘fate’ and letting it be. This can often lead to depression – the long standing effect of helplessness. These people accept defeat too quickly. They do not believe their beliefs are worth believing in.

2) Fighting your helplessness and not accepting defeat. Only a person who accepts being thwarted can be thwarted. It all lies in the mind. There are two ways of fighting your helplessness:

- You deny it. You do not give up and keep banging your head against the closed door which was once an opportunity. This is called being in a state called ‘denial’. I feel sorry for these people.

- You accept the fact that the opportunity is lost and form a Plan B. A plan that can very much lead you to the very same goal. And there is always a Plan B waiting to be constructed.

I am not entirely sure if there are more ways to immunise yourself against frustration. I have not given it much thought.
I decided to post on frustration because of three reasons:

- I was frustrated because my father wanted to watch the news. The other TV is no longer working and my mother did not want me to go back to bed (all I have been doing is eating and sleeping). I really do not understand the obsession fathers have with the news channel!
My Plan B worked though – the details of Plan B are however beyond the scope of this blog because of its sheer ingenuity.

- I was frustrated because I have been experiencing a little difficulty in communicating with a couple of my friends (The reason being already mentioned in my previous post – New Year resolutions!)
In this case I am sure time will work its wonders and I just have to wait.

- I watched a movie about a boy becoming a man of religion not out of his own accord, only because of what is supposedly read in his horoscope. The boy was clearly frustrated. I felt sorry for him.
His Plan B was not very creative and hence was not successful.

I love blogging – gets rid of frustration!

Until later...

I just happened to look at the calendar today.
And I see it is the 25th of November, Tuesday today.
I wonder why I did that though because the days and dates never bothered me much.
But right now I think it should.

My universities start on the 5th of December.
This means I have just a little over a week to cram into the little bit of grey matter that I do have in my thick skull the entire portion that has been taught to us over the past one year.
And I have not used my grey matter for quite a bit now, so I probably will face some starting trouble.
I did plan on starting earlier - but I fell ill two days ago (hence no posts!)
I believe it is better late than never.
So I am going to start now – which is late; and not later – which is never.

Do wish me luck.
And if you do believe in Him and only if you are in good terms with Him, put in a nice word or two for me.
I have been good to you, have I not?!
I will let you know if it did help.

This is my fifteenth post in the month of November – not bad at all for a month I planned on not posting on!
My universities go on forever in December.
If I am not mistaken I think I should be released from the shackles of third year medicine, once and for all, by Christmas.
I shall try my best to post some time before that – but no promises!

Be good (evil laugh) especially to people who deserve it.
And keep commenting and re-reading my previous posts.
You never can get enough of enlightenment and who knows what wisdom lies hidden between the lines!

I will miss posting – I don’t know if I will miss you readers though, I wonder if there are any readers.

Until later… never mind!

Don't bother

I am not satisfied.
I am usually a very satisfied person.
The last post has made me dissatisfied.

Have you ever felt like you were awake while you were actually sleeping?
This usually happens when you are just about to wake up.
You do everything you have to do after waking up while sleeping, and then you wake up to realise you were actually sleeping and did not do any of those things you had to do.
A very discouraging false notion as far as waking up is concerned.
This happens to me quite often.
It occurs every time I wake up.
Which means it occurs every time I sleep.
But now, for quite a bit this has not occurred to me.

Rather, I am suffering from the exact opposite of such a situation right now
– If such an opposite did exist, that is.

I am suffering from the feeling that I am sleeping even when I am awake.
I am so sure that I am sleeping that I don’t do anything.
I end up doing nothing.
But that is not a big deal – I do nothing most of the time, anyway.

The problem is the way people seem to notice the state I am in.
They seem to think I am thinking.
And all of a sudden people seem to be bothered what I am thinking about
- Maybe this is because I never think (or appear to be thinking) and thought of me thinking has people thinking what I might be thinking about which is more often than always worth thinking about.

So the point is I appear to be thinking all the time.
- Even though I am actually under the notion that I am asleep and am doing nothing.
This would be alright if I just let it be.

But I am not letting it be.
I am actually pretending to be thinking to please those who think I am thinking.

So here I am under the notion that I am asleep pretending to be thinking.
And when you are under such a trying situation you tend to post stupid, irrelevant and totally dissatisfying posts like the previous one.

So, don’t bother.
I’m not thinking.
I’m asleep.
Rather, I am under the false notion that I am asleep.
Let it be.

Depression

I am depressed.
My last post had totally depressed the fucking hell out of me.
How can a freaking post have such an effect on a human life – that too the life of an enlightened one?
The mere thought of a depressing post depressing me is depressing.

‘Strictly jokes apart’?
WTF?
When did that happen?
When did strict come into being and jokes fall apart?
Can you imagine what would be the condition your life would be in if my sense of humour came to a full stop rather than the comma it is in now?
Thank God Almighty it is a comma instead of the full stop - God help you if it came to a full stop because even God wouldn’t be able to help you!
That is the scale of depression I am talking about – a scale beyond the imaginative skills of the lesser ones.
Wait! Was I just blasphemous? Well, if I was it was not entirely intentional.
Not entirely.

And what about the last line – ‘Figure out yours’.
As if you could do that all by yourself. That is supposed to be my job - enlightening you, step by step, baby step by baby step, pre-term baby step by pre-term baby step. And I disclaim all responsibility, wash my hands (with soap) telling you to figure it out yourself.
WTF?
Poor, helpless souls on the brink of depression - this actually leads me into a state of depressed depression.

Depression being so rampant in this so very depressing world, I have decided not to depress you depressed souls any further with depressing posts because it is very depressing for me to depress you.
So do not be depressed because depression can be very depressing.
The jokes shall come again and they shall never fall apart.

Teacher

If you think this post is going to have lesson no 3 at the end of it I would love to see your face when I laugh at you!

I have never been good at teaching. For being a good teacher, you must be able to express your thoughts on what you know in an understandable manner. The reasons why I am bad (terribly suck) at this are:
1) I'm not very expressive - with words. I have always been the 'show-on-your-face-what-is-on-your-mind' type. And last I heard it didn't help teachers to just show faces.
2) I usually don't have many thoughts to express. I always try hard to keep my thoughts at a bare minimum.
3) I can never talk understandably. My sentences are, always, either too short or too long. The 'too short' sentences don't convey any message and the 'too long' sentences - well, nobody listens till the end.

So, I am glad I don't have to teach for a living. Some (mad) people philosophically state that every person is a teacher and every moment they are teaching someone something (madness). I prefer to believe I have always been the student – it is easier that way, for me and for you.

But all this is not what I wanted to write about - rather type out. What I wanted to write about (type out) has completely slipped my mind. And since I hate thinking about what I was thinking about, I am just going to let it be. I'll figure it out - hopefully (for you) sooner rather than later.

That is all for now. I'll figure out something more to write about today. And NO, lesson no 3 is not due anytime soon. You are not supposed to get used to getting enlightened.